Without You - Miscarriage Mix Tape Song #1

I love musicals, and I really love the musical RENT. When I found out I was miscarrying this was the song that played on repeat inside my head. If I had a miscarriage mix tape this would definitely be on it.

Without you

The ground thaws

The rain falls

The grass grows

Without you

The seeds root

The flowers bloom

The children play

The stars gleam

The poets dream

The eagles fly

Without you

The earth turns

The sun burns

But I die without you

Without you

The breeze warms

The girl smiles

The cloud moves

Without you

The tides change

The boys run

The oceans crash

The crowds roar

The days soar

The babies cry

Without you

The moon glows

The river flows

But I die without you

The world revives

(Colors renew)

But I know blue, only blue

Lonely blue

(Within me blue)

Without you

Without you

The hand gropes

The ear hears

The pulse beats

Without you

The eyes gaze

The legs walks

The lungs breathe

The mind churns

(The mind churns)

The heart yearns

(The heart yearns)

The tears dry without you

Life goes on but I'm gone

'Cause I die without you

Without you

Without you

Without you

-Without you , RENT, Jonathan Larson

If you have never heard this song I would recommend taking a listen, but have tissues handy.

The Worst of Times

After finding out I was miscarrying on January 4th because I was bleeding, it suddenly stopped as quickly as it had started. So I waited, and waited, and went to work to try to distract myself. On Thursday night one of my best friends gave birth and I completely lost it, I cried myself to sleep that night. On Friday at 4 am I took my first dose of Cytotec to try to induce the bleeding. By 7 am I was bleeding. It was not very painful and it was heavy, but I did not see any of the tissue or uterine lining that I had been told to look for. In the next 4 day I took Cytotec 3 more times in hope of avoiding a D&C, something desperately wanted to avoid. I was leaving for a business trip in a few days and had told my midwives as much. They said if I went without having miscarried fully then I was going against doctors’ orders. I told them there was no way I was not going. I needed that weekend to get away from my room, my bathroom, my house, which had become my prison. I wanted to be in control of something, even if it was just a small weekend meeting it was something I could manage. It was also in Orlando, right next to Disney Springs and thus a place where I could get away, recharge, and be someone else, not just the lady who just lost her baby.

Based on everything that was happening the midwives decided I probably needed a D&C and scheduled an appointment for me to meet with a GYN on the Wednesday before I left for my trip. The plan, although they were not happy with it was to have my D&C the Monday after I got back. The GYN was great, she was an older lady, retired from her OB work but working closely with the midwives for these situations. We talked about my need to not have a D&C and why I was going on my ill-advised trip. She did an exam and said she saw some stuff in there but not a lot, I asked her to pull as much out as she could while she was there. It was not pleasant but I would guess it was better than having the D&C, more like a really uncomfortable pap. She said based on the huge drop in my betas and what she had seen that I did not need a D&C. So I went on my trip, bleeding heavily again after what she had done, but still not too badly. I worked all weekend but managed to have some fun in the evenings. I went to dinner the night I arrived with two of my AV guys. We found an Irish pub and sat outside. I drank two large glasses of stout and sang Irish drinking songs until midnight; it was exactly what I needed. The next morning I got up and did what I do. It was a small meeting but it had some technical intricacies and logistical challenges, all in all the attendees were happy and everything went smoothly.

A week later I took another pregnancy test, it was still positive. That same day I passed a piece of tissue, and a few hours later after going to my barre class I passed a very large piece of uterine lining. That started the heavy bleeding process again. Another week passed and another positive test, there was something about Thursdays, that's when everything seemed to happen. After taking the test I went to get up and heard a plop. It was the gestational sac. It was open and empty, but that is what it was. I hoped that passing the sack was the end of it. Another week went by and finally a negative test, and then my period hit. I finally stopped bleeding 49 days after it all started. The bleeding gets old quickly. You can't wear tampons when miscarrying and pads are like torture. You also can’t take a bath due to the possibility of infection while dilated. At one point I was so sore form the pads and the constant wiping that I had to shower to clean myself because toilet paper hurt and wipes stung.

Until it happens to you, you think a miscarriage early on is not that devastating, it’s just like a period right? No. I wish I could accurately describe the absolutely gut wrenching despair that it causes. Immediately after finding out it was just utter despair, I kept telling my husband “I feel emotionally broken” and then it was the waiting that was even worse. Waiting to bleed, waiting to pass tissue, waiting for the negative test. Now it’s the constant lump in my throat, the short cry on the drive to work, or the tears rolling down my cheeks at the gym. It hits you at the weirdest times and you have no control. Someone said it’s a creeping sadness, and that’s the best way to describe it. It’s like ivy taking over a house, slowly creeping upwards, digging its roots into anything it can, and holding on tight waiting to either be pulled from the house and having to start its journey upward anew or invade the mortar underneath only to make it crumble overtime. I’m hoping there is a third option; I want to burn the ivy so it won’t return, but where do I start?

Change of Plans.

I’m a planner; it’s what I do for a living. I plan everything. When I was a kid my dad would tell me I couldn’t have a sleepover I had been planning, and I told him I had been planning it for months, he never believed me, but I had been. As a teen my sophomore year high school English teacher had us write down our 1 year, 5 year, and 10 year goals. When we graduated he gave them to us. Years later I found it while cleaning and noticed that almost everything on it I had accomplished except for some of the 10 year goals, but it had not been 10 years yet. As an adult I told my boyfriend that I needed to start having kids by 27 so I needed to be married by 25. Both of those things happened. I tell you these things not so you will think I’m a bit of a crazy control freak, but so that you will understand where I’m coming from when I tell you that all my plans fell apart. The first time that happened I had had a picture perfect 9 months of pregnancy and I was in labor. I was in labor for 24 hours. That’s when my midwife said it’s time for a C-section. My brain exploded, my perfect plan for a natural birth was blown out of the water by her words and I went numb. I remember them prepping me for surgery, and I remember my tears of anger, frustration, and exhaustion, but mostly I remember how mad I was when my plans did not pan out. I had never planned on the contingency for this very important event. Usually I’m a plan for the worst, hope for the best type of meeting manager. But this was supposed to be my most important plan, and I failed to plan for the worst, and although the outcome was good and I delivered a perfectly healthy baby girl the feelings of that change of plans has plagued me for three and a half years.

Until now, when I laugh at the naive person I was then, who should have been nothing but overjoyed for the amazing new life I had brought into the world.

I failed to learn from my mistakes, I started to plan my next pregnancy. Go off birth control in May, start trying in September, Get pregnant quickly, and I did. In November I took two tests and both were positive. We were overjoyed. And then in early December I started spotting, not a lot, and not red, but enough that I called the midwife to ask about it. They said not to worry, that I should come in just in case and do some blood work and an ultrasound, so I did. I went for the ultrasound and because it was so early they saw the gestational sac but not the baby yet. They ordered blood work and found that both my beta levels and progesterone were low. 48 hours later we did the blood work again (if you don’t know about beta level testing then you should know that the recommended rise in 48 hours should be double)  mine wasn’t. Not a good sign. I went on progesterone supplements because there was no change to that in the 48 hours either. The following week I did the blood work again, progesterone was now up and looking great, but once again the beta level was not rising sufficiently and I prepared for the worst. 2 days later I had another ultrasound and we saw a fetal pole and a heartbeat! I was so excited. The heart rate was a bit low and the baby looked small but everything else looked good. My betas had also risen well and my progesterone was still up. A week later on the day before Christmas eve I had another ultrasound. While Christmas music was playing softly in the room we saw a baby that had grown as expected over the past week and a perfect heartbeat. It was the greatest Christmas present I could have received. The holidays went as planned and New Year’s came and went and on January 4^th my first day back to work after the holidays I went to the bathroom and found red blood when I wiped. My heart sank, I immediately called my midwife who said I could come for an ultrasound that afternoon. I worked for a few hours while I waited, trying to keep my mind off of it. When I arrived the waiting room was full of pregnant women. I looked down as much as I could and texted three of my best friends and asked them to tell me jokes and keep me entertained while I waited. Finally I was called back, by this time the ultrasound tech and I had been through a lot together, she had the screen pulled towards her and was quite for a while, and then she said “I’m so, so, sorry” I immediately started to cry. She showed me the screen and there was no longer a heartbeat, and the fetal pole that had been easy to recognize was now a little blurry. The dating told us my baby probably died the day after my last ultrasound which would have been Christmas Eve. I cried some more and she left me to go find the midwife. I got dressed. The midwife came in; she hugged me, and explained the next steps. I wiped my tears, left, and called my husband, then my mother, and then I went home and got in bed and cried. That was all I had the energy for. It was my worst day.